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Acorn Antiques - Macaroons

by Victoria Wood

on Acorn Antiques The Musical! (2006)

The modern world is full of stress;
So many nervous wrecks.
People turn to alcohol,
Drugs, and even sex.

Drink will rot your liver;
Drugs put you in jail;
Sex I don't agree with, but...
What works when they all fail...

Is some tea,
On a tray,
And some biscuits coming your way;
Slice of bakewell tart,
Lightens up the heart,
Carbs will brighten your day.

Can't feel blue,
Can't feel flat,
When you're munching sugar and fat;
Spend your salaries,
On them calories,
Don't bother with barbituates or anything like that,
Anything like that.

Drugs can do damage,
Take poor old Ozzy Osbourne;
All he seems to do is fret and shake;
He's a rockstar, a baron,
Now I'm not blaming Sharon,
He's a stranger to the benefits of Oven Bottom Cake.

He would be,
Smooth as silk,
If he'd lived on muffins and milk;
Learnt some etiquette,
Played the clarinet,
He could be with practise a second Acker Bilk.

He could sip,
He could sup,
Nice hot tea in a lovely pink cup;
Relax, unwind a bit,
Eff and bind a bit,
So have a fucking custard cream and shut the fuck up.

Cocaine, orgies,
Frankie Bough will tell ya,
A man's career could suffer a mishap;
Scandals, they fester,
Now I'm not blaming Nesta,
But Frank's never had the pleasure of an egg and chutney bap.

Few less chains,
Few less whips,
If he'd stuck to pastie and chips;
A nice medeera won't,
Plunge you nearer to,
A television profile that's in total eclipse.

All that sex,
All that vice,
You could catch a chill in a trice;
Take fellatio,
Cut the ratio,
Whop your chops around a lovely coconut slice.

Flirting, foreplay,
Poor old Billy Clinton,
Just a thong at twilight and he'll lunge;
Now what's a shame here,
And Hilary's to blame here,
She should have stuffed his lunchbox... with a bit of low fat sponge.

To conclude,
Don't be rude,
You just stick to comforting food;
If you're feeling festive,
A nice digestive,
Will keep you all in the mood.

Thwarted lives,
Shattered dreams,
Divvie out them old gypsie creams;
[You can't say gypsie any more, Mrs O, it's very politically incorrect.]
Pain and fear,
You can smite 'em,
With a nomadic people's non-dairy biscuit effect item.

Cheer your afternoon,
With a macaroon,
Put a smile on your face;
Though your vision is shuttered,
Just get your crumpet buttered,
And your world will be a happier place!