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Steamed Hams

by The Simpsons

(Doorbell rings)

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Well, Seymour, I made it... Despite your directions.

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Ahhh, Superintendent Chalmers! Welcome! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Nyeh...

(Principal Skinner exits into the kitchen)

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
GASP! Oh egads! My roast is ruined! But what if... I were to purchase fast food and disguise it as my own cooking? Oh ho ho ho ho ho! Delightfully devilish, Seymour.

(Principal Skinner takes off his apron and opens the window. He puts his leg over the window, attempting to step outside. Before he can leave, Superintendent Chalmers enters the kitchen)

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Uh--

[THEME SONG]
Skinner, with his crazy explanations,
The Superintendent's gonna need his medication.
When he hears Skinner's lame exaggerations,
There'll be trouble in town - tonight.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
SEYMOUR!!!!!!!

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Superintendent, I was just-- uh, just stretching my calves on the windowsill. Isometric exercise! Care to join me?

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Why is there smoke coming out of your oven, Seymour?

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Uh... Ooh! That isn't smoke. It's steam. Steam from the steamed clams we're having. Mmmm. Steamed Clams!

(Superintendent Chalmers exits the kitchen)

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Whew...

(Principal Skinner leaves the kitchen from the windowsill and runs across the road into Krusty Burger to purchase hamburgers)

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
I thought we were having steamed clams.

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
D'oh no, I said Steamed Hams! That's what I call hamburgers.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
You call hamburgers 'steamed hams'?

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Yes! It's a regional dialect.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Uh-huh. What region?

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Uhhh-upstate New York?

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I've never heard anyone use the phrase 'steamed hams'.

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Oh, not in Utica, no, it's an Albany expression.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
I see.

(Superintendent Chalmers takes a bite from the hamburger)

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Oh ho ho ho no! Patented Skinner Burgers; Old family recipe!

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
For steamed hams?

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Yes.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Yes, and you call them steamed hams, despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Y-- You know th-- One thing I sh-- 'Scuse me for one second...

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Of course.

(Principal Skinner leaves the table and opens the kitchen door walking inside. As the door swings open, it is clear that the kitchen is on fire. He walks back out and yawns)

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all, I'm pooped.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Yes, I should be---

(Superintendent Chalmers notices the fire through the swinging kitchen door)

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
GOOD LORD! What is happening in there?

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Aurora Borealis.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
A---Aurora Borealis? At this time of year! At this time of day! In this part of the country! Localized entirely within your kitchen?!?

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
Yes.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
May I see it?

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
No.

(Principal Skinner leads Superintendent Chalmers outside)

[SKINNER'S MOTHER]
Seymour! The house is on fire!

[PRINCIPAL SKINNER]
No, mother, it's just the Northern Lights.

[SUPERINTENDENT CHALMERS]
Well, Seymour, you are an odd fellow, but I must say - you steam a good ham.

(Superintendent Chalmers starts to walk away. Principal Skinner stands in front of his burning house)

[SKINNER'S MOTHER]
Heeeeelp! HEEEEEEEELP!!!