Song Search

Kids

by Paul Lynde

on Bye Bye Birdie (Original Broadway Cast) (2018), Bye Bye Birdie (Original Motion Picture Soundtrack) (1963)

[HARRY]
Kids!
I don't know what's wrong with these kids today
Kids!
Who can understand anything they say?
Kids!
They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loaf-
Ers!

And while we're on the subject
Kids!
You can talk and talk till your face is blue
Kids!
But they still do just what they want to do
Why can't they be like we were
Perfect in every way?
What's the matter with kids today?

[MAE]
Kids!
I've tried to raise you the best I could
Kids!
All the things I've done were for your own good
Kids!
Can't you once appreciated how I've sacrificed
Working, slaving, scrimping, saving pennies?

And livin' with your father
Kids!
No one knows the burden I've had to bear
(And in my condition!)
Kids!
I'm a poor, sick woman, and does he care?
Ha! Go on, go on, and kill me
That's what it's coming to
When a mother has kids like you

[HARRY]
Kids!

[MAE]
All the chicken soup that I made for you!

[HARRY]
Kids!

[MAE]
Now you throw me out like a worn-out shoe

[ALBERT]
Mom
After all I haven't been such an awful son
I never sass you back or leave a ring around the bathtub
And don't I always phone you?

[MAE]
Kids!
You can give your life to 'em night and day

[HARRY]
Kids!
Then they go get married and go away

[HARRY AND MAE]
Why do we have these children?

[HARRY]
Better to have a pet

[MAE]
I never asked for nothin'

[HARRY]
Nothin' is what you get

[MAE AND HARRY]
Oh, what's the matter with kids to-

(Spoken interlude)
[MAE]
I tried, Lou, but I failed

[ALBERT]
You didn't, mama, you didn't

[MAE]
Don't try to pay me back, sonny. I forgive you. So what if you're an ingrate? As long as you're happy

[ALBERT]
I don't want to be happy

[MAE]
Just make believe I'm a used car. Junk me. Throw me in the gutter

[ALBERT]
I'll never leave you, never!

[MAE]
You heard him! You're a witness

[ALBERT]
I promise, mama. I never broke a promise to my mama

[HARRY]
Good boy!

(Sung)
[HARRY AND MAE]
Why can't they be like Albert?

[ALBERT]
Perfect in every way

[RANDOLPH]
What's the matter with kids?

[ALBERT]
Yeah, what's the matter with kids?

{ENSEMBLE]
Nothing's the matter with kids today