Nick Urata

The House of Freaks

by Nick Urata

[Intro: Count Olaf]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks
Prepare to see some people with some very odd physiques
Sit back, my friends
Relax, my friends
The show is quite informal
'Cause when you see these freaks
You will be grateful that you're normal

[Verse 1: Count Olaf]
Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks
Let's bring out the strangest folks you've seen in weeks
The first one is a man I think you're going to love a bunch
He may have normal shoulders, but this poor guy has a hunch

[Interlude 1: Count Olaf, Fernald, Person of Indeterminate Gender]
Ha, look at him
The hunch is caused by a spinal abnormality
Ha! Spines!
Get dressed, Hugo!
Isn't it hilarious?
He can't even put on a coat!
Can someone help him?

[Verse 2: Count Olaf]
Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks
You'll never find such weirdos in the oddest of boutiques
You've seen one freak so far, so let's dish up another portion
A girl whose body does a freaky thing we call contortion

[Interlude 2: Count Olaf, Fernald, Audience Member]
She looks completely normal
Only to the untrained eye. If by "untrained" we mean
"Never having seen this person do these particular things"
Wow. That's actually kinda ---
Look at her!
Imagine being next to that at yoga. How humiliating. For her!

[Verse 3: Count Olaf]
Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks
Are you feeling scared? Well, be prepared for tears and shrieks
Something shocking's coming up, and yes, I'm being candid
Our next freak is someone who is neither right- or left-handed

[Interlude 3: Count Olaf, Kevin, Audience Member, White Faced Women]
Is he ---
He's ambivalent
What?
Ambiguous
(Aside) Ambidextrous
Ambidextrous!
Write your name, Kenneth
It's Kevin
Yep. Ladies and gentleman, his signatures are basically identical!
I've never seen two things as identical as that!
Now, that is freakish. Am I right?
Now, avert your eyes
Unless you're brave enough to handle
The sight of a man shaving with two hands. Oh!
You are going to love our next act
But first, how about a hand for our ring master?!

[Verse 4: Count Olaf]
Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks
Open up your peepers wide and get your freaky peeps
These freaks you'll all remember as you lie there in your bed
'Cause one's a half-wolf baby and the other has two heads

[Outro: Count Olaf]
Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks
I said, welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks
Bring it home, now!
Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks