[Intro: Count Olaf] Welcome, welcome, welcome to the House of Freaks Prepare to see some people with some very odd physiques Sit back, my friends Relax, my friends The show is quite informal 'Cause when you see these freaks You will be grateful that you're normal
[Verse 1: Count Olaf] Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks Let's bring out the strangest folks you've seen in weeks The first one is a man I think you're going to love a bunch He may have normal shoulders, but this poor guy has a hunch
[Interlude 1: Count Olaf, Fernald, Person of Indeterminate Gender] Ha, look at him The hunch is caused by a spinal abnormality Ha! Spines! Get dressed, Hugo! Isn't it hilarious? He can't even put on a coat! Can someone help him?
[Verse 2: Count Olaf] Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks You'll never find such weirdos in the oddest of boutiques You've seen one freak so far, so let's dish up another portion A girl whose body does a freaky thing we call contortion
[Interlude 2: Count Olaf, Fernald, Audience Member] She looks completely normal Only to the untrained eye. If by "untrained" we mean "Never having seen this person do these particular things" Wow. That's actually kinda --- Look at her! Imagine being next to that at yoga. How humiliating. For her!
[Verse 3: Count Olaf] Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks Are you feeling scared? Well, be prepared for tears and shrieks Something shocking's coming up, and yes, I'm being candid Our next freak is someone who is neither right- or left-handed
[Interlude 3: Count Olaf, Kevin, Audience Member, White Faced Women] Is he --- He's ambivalent What? Ambiguous (Aside) Ambidextrous Ambidextrous! Write your name, Kenneth It's Kevin Yep. Ladies and gentleman, his signatures are basically identical! I've never seen two things as identical as that! Now, that is freakish. Am I right? Now, avert your eyes Unless you're brave enough to handle The sight of a man shaving with two hands. Oh! You are going to love our next act But first, how about a hand for our ring master?!
[Verse 4: Count Olaf] Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks Open up your peepers wide and get your freaky peeps These freaks you'll all remember as you lie there in your bed 'Cause one's a half-wolf baby and the other has two heads
[Outro: Count Olaf] Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks I said, welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks Bring it home, now! Welcome, welcome welcome to the House of Freaks