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Dale Carnegie

by Maria Bamford

on How To WIN! (2007)

That's uh, bit of a dark kid. My parents were worried about me, so they sent me, something to think about for your dad, my parents sent me on a on an eighteen week Dale Carnegie sales training and management course. Because what do a 16 year old and a bunch of salesmen have in common? Turns out we both like to party. I made some older male friends. I uh, I did learn a lot. I learned the four C's don't criticism, condemn or complain. Get the person to say yes yes yes. And uh, the sweetest sound to a person's ears is the sound of their own name.
“Hey what's your name?”
“My name right back at ya, your name”
And I uh, used that information on my primary customer base my parents. Marily and Joel Bamford, my parents.
Mom, Dad. May I call you Mom Dad? Fantastic! Listen you guys have been doing an amazing job of raising me. Really just want to get on the same page. Hope you're happy with what I've been putting out there.
Great okay. Question number one, do you want to be a success? Yes! Of course you want to be a success everyone wants a piece of the pie. Ha-ha.
Question number two, in order for you to be a success, wouldn't I your daughter need to be successful. Yes? And what are the odds of that happening?
Question number three: If I told you for the price of a greyhound bus ticket I could be out of your hair the rest of your lives. You'd give me that 133 dollars wouldn't you.
That's where me being a roadie for REO speedwagon comes in. They didn't go for it.