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Dad

by Maria Bamford

on How To WIN! (2007)

I try to become more spiritual, I fear the reaper. My mom is very religious. She wears a bracelet that says WWJD, that stands for “What would Jesus do” just in case your out shopping,you say “Aw shit, what would jesus buy. Well you get a loaf and fish, that it!” He's an express checkout.
My parents, uh, I love my parents. My dad, I don't really talk about my dad too much. My dad is really just a series of sound effects. CHUKKA SNOOTIE AHHAH UHU UHUHU. HOO
Everything okay over there dad? Oh yeah. HOOK HOOK. My dad is obsessed with food. My mom has him on this heart healthy diet. So he's always telling me about his secret stash. With all the seriousness of a POW. Hey kid HOOK HO. I got some powdered donuts they're in the freezer underneath all the vegetable crap. “Joe what are you whispering about, you have got powered sugar all over your face” “Aww shit, run kid, run!” Good guy.
My dad has a love hate relationship with everybody on the road. He always starts off really angry and ends up really nice in the end. “Jesus christ hOOk look at this yahoo. Hook sccou hook. Yeah no buddy take a chace. No I'm- damnit. Shit. Well looks like he's doing the best he can,” My dad just does this completely protocol son turnaround with everyone on the road. “Goddamnit look at this lady, I'm not paying attention. Looks like she's in a hurry. Jesus christ, god dammit. Who is this, bus full of yahoos what are you guys retarded, oh my god they are retarded. Must be nice to go on a trip.”