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Acquiring Marijuana: General Effects

by Jack Margolis & Jere Alan Brain

on A Child's Garden Of Grass (2005)

Acquiring marijuana

There are four basic methods of acquiring marijuana
Buying it, growing it, receiving it as a gift
And stealing it

Buying marijuana

(Yeah?)
I like to buy a big bottle of root beer please
(Oh)
And a copy of Playboy
(Alright)
And some uh pistachio nuts
(Here)
Could I have a cleaner copy of playboy please
(Huh? Oh yeah I'm sorry, kids)
And a package of marijuana please
(Mexican, Vietnamese, or domestic?)
Umm Mexican
(Flip top, flat box, soft pack, or bulk?)
I'll take bulk
Thank you
(Alright that comes to uh, that'll be $2.15)
$2.15

Growing marijuana

Mary, Mary quite contrary
How doth your garden grow
Really great where there's no heat
And usually best when I put the seeds about a half inch underground
Water lightly once a week
And hope for the best

Receiving marijuana as a gift

Getting grass as a gift is probably the nicest way of all of acquiring it
Here are a number of methods guaranteed to get you free grass
Be very very nice to everyone you meet
Or
Look for people who are smoking grass
Go over and stand next to them as quietly as possible
And look wistful
If they give you any be sure to say thank you
Or
Become a narcotics officer
Or
Be a very beautiful girl with large breasts
And, if none if these methods work
Then, whenever you're taking a walk
Look on the ground for rolled up baggies with a rubber band around them

Stealing marijuana

Now here's the main method for acquiring yourself some free grass
You just creep on someone and say
Hey! Look up there!
And you cop that grass
And split

The effects of marijuana

The first time a person tries to get stoned
He may not feel any effect whatsoever
Many people, even Methodists
Find that after smoking for hours
Particulary with good grass
They'll still fell absolutely no effect the first two or three times
For them, we recommend needlepoint, weightlifting
Or any of the traditional methods of reaching Nirvana
(I can lift 347 pounds over my head but still nobody likes me)
We believe that except for a few weirdos here and there
Everybody can feel the effects of grass
Fortunately all the barriers which keep a person from getting high
Are easily overcome once you know them
The first barrier to overcome
Is the belief that smoking grass gives one a kick
It does not
You do not get a "kick" nor a rush from grass
The second barrier is
That there's no way to know how you're supposed to feel
So you don't know what to look for
And the third barrier is a roadblock
You papers please
(Um I only have a pipe man)
Then you better come with me