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Pokémon

by Heather Anne Campbell

I wanna be the very best
But I'm only ten years old
Leaving home to travel the world
Means I'll be sleeping in the cold

I hunt for creatures in tall grass
Some are hundreds of feet tall
It's a fucking joke to think
They'll fit in a Pokéball

Pokémon!
Scientifically accurate Pokémon!

The story of a runaway
Who captures animals every day
Then, like a total dick
He makes them fight like Michael Vick

Pokémon!

Ash takes a fish he found
And he throws it on the ground
That's why Magikarp sits around
He reverse drowned!

Pokémon!

Also, these animals couldn't exist
Right down to the bone
That one's just a pile of gears
And that's a fucking ice cream cone

And what the fuck is an electric mouse?
If you find one, you get a reward
Let's be real, Pikachu is a rat
That bit an extension cord

Pokémon!
Scientifically accurate Pokémon!

It's all ridiculous
Oak kicks a kid into the wilderness
And Team Rocket, how 'bout this?
Sell your talking cat and get rich!

Pokédicks!