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Banjo Gyro! (transcript)

by Grady Sain

SAMMY:
My first day at work is here!

BILL:
Hi Sammy, welcome! This is Finger! Our boss is a demon! Mr Robert! He is now on vacation.

FINGER:
Ooh, aoo I do not need you. My job - my - my job is at the griddle for the gyros.

BILL:
Sammy, your first order is a chilli dog. Finger's just a mite testy. We're on the lookout for demons.

SAMMY:
Okay, my first order.

SAMMY moves away from the counter, and serves a man the chilli dog. The man appears behind him, poking his back, before eating the chilli dog. SAMMY turns back around twice, before the man sticks his tongue out, revealing him to be a demon. SAMMY runs off in terror.

SAMMY:
AAAAAH! I think that that man is a demon! One hundred percent!

BILL:
One hundred percent you say? I will try to find out the powers. Stand back, Sammy, this may be out of your mind.

BILL appears to try to fend off the demon with his facial expressions. The demon does the same.

FINGER:
Owww, the power is too hot!

FINGER burns his finger on the griddle, and loses his index finger.

FINGER:
Nooo!

BILL:
Yaaah!

BILL bows his head down. The demon walks his way from the table into the men's bathroom.

BILL:
Sammy, never try what I just did. The power was too hot. Luckily I was able to quickly sample my screams of pain. Now there may be an order at the drive-thru. After that come back here and we will form a music band for protection from demons. The name will be... THE TEAMMATES! We will use a sample of my scream in our first song.

SAMMY:
How about the Superband?

BILL:
Go to the drive-thru, Sammy.

SAMMY walks to the drive-thru. FINGER approaches BILL. Close up we can see FINGER is missing a tooth, which suddenly grows back. SAMMY walks back to BILL.

SAMMY:
Where is the drive-thru?

FINGER:
My left finger, it burned off.

SAMMY:
What you started is gone!

FINGER:
Heh!

BILL:
Let's all relax. Sammy, go to the drive-thru. It is over there.

SAMMY walks off to the drive-thru.

FINGER:
Gritz-griddle-gritz, Bill. Why come Sammy says one hundred percent?

BILL:
Finger, wait, that could be confusing. Either the cryptic shadows of a cult demon play, or maybe he saw us on TV? We're not sure which. Even with his bad taste for band names, Sammy may be crucial to our cause. Which is fighting demons! It's pep-talking time for our inexperienced co-worker. Until then, my friend, the message from the griddle must remain... a riddle.

FINGER:
I don't like that.

FINGER walks back and forth.

FINGER:
Dude, what is the name of the new band by the way?

BILL:
The TEAMMATES.

FINGER:
I prefer the Jetz-Bendz.

BILL:
Go to the bathroom, Finger.

FINGER walks to the bathroom. BILL walks to the drive-thru and is interrupted by SAMMY

SAMMY:
Bill, where is the drive-thru?

BILL:
Sammy, Sammy, listen to me. What you saw back there was a man who went berserk because there are parts of his body he wasn't born with that went out of control. Finger used to burst in all rhymes in our old 2-man band called 'The Safetys' but then he tried to yope a Barbassa rock album about dedication to quality food service called 100 Percent. For five long days at the griddle he garnered the Safetys not but insipid ditties with fragment concepts, lame arrangements and deplorable human beatbox solos--he lost all critical perspective, bless his mangy little heart.

BILL bows in resignment

SAMMY:
I don't understand.

BILL:
Sammy, Sammy! Listen to me! Finger's ornery: he's liable to get touchy and do something rash. He thinks you're a demon, but I'm on your side, Sammy. So, yo, 'Homeskillet', we 'bout to get our 'TEAMMATE' roll-on and solve the riddle... of the griddle.

SAMMY:
Yes.

BILL and SAMMY walk to the demon's table.

BILL:
The patron is gone. Damn!

BILL hits the table, causing the two coins on the table to bounce up into the air. He opens his pockets, and they fall in. BILL grabs a dollar on the table and stuffs it into his pocket too. BILL then looks at the security camera on the wall.

BILL:
Sammy, we may have our answer and possibly an energetic clip of me to use in our first music video to boot! Quickly, to the "Prohibited" Break Room.

SAMMY:
Fuckin' demons!

BILL and SAMMY walk to the "Prohibited" Break Room. They check the security cameras to see where the demon is and find him in the bathroom.

BILL:
There he is! That's unusual, he's peeing erratically. I think- oh no!

The demon pees in the shape of "100" on the floor, and rushes off into the stall.

BILL:
I sent Finger to the bathroom! How could I be so foolish?! I've lost control of the TEAMMATES before I even had it! I can't watch!

BILL puts his head down in shame. FINGER is shown on the security monitor, walking into the bathroom, and stops when he sees the pee on the floor. Fade to black. Fade in. FINGER is now with everyone in the "Prohibited" Break Room, and BILL still has his head down in shame.

SAMMY:
Bill?

BILL:
Finger, you're alive! Praise the legions of--

FINGER:
Sammy is a demon! He peed on the floor!

BILL:
No, Finger! Sammy was with me! We saw the real demon on video! He's in the bathroom!

FINGER:
Ooooh, I am confused.

SAMMY:
Fuckin' demons!

BILL turns the security monitor off. He puts his arms around FINGER and SAMMY.

BILL:
Sammy, Finger, listen to me now more than ever. I only know one thing: these infernal revelations beamed through the cryptic shadows are totally uncool, designed by demons to cause us heinous peril! Finger, the days of The Safetys are past, our future is here in the TEAMMATES. The TEAMMATES must reach for the stars, and tomorrow, the TEAMMATES must only serve good food to real people from now on, and bad food to demons! The TEAMMATES must also vow to formulate secret languages between--

MR ROBERT walks into the room from the kitchen. BILL takes his arms off SAMMY and FINGER, and awkwardly smiles.

MR ROBERT:
What?

SAMMY farts. BILL disapprovingly looks at him.

FINGER:
Aa- *cough*

MR ROBERT looks at FINGER'S bloodstained hand. He then looks at BILL's pockets, which has a dollar sticking out

BILL:
Mr Robert, he is afraid. We thought there was a fire in your office! Sammy smelled smoke.

MR ROBERT gulps, and then downs the Jack Daniels that he is holding.

MR ROBERT:
Creeps. I'm go' piss.

MR ROBERT walks back into the kitchen.

BILL:
Doubly-dangerous demon death dudes, it's totally TEAMMATES tape-up time!

MR ROBERT walks into the bathroom.

MR ROBERT:
Who're you?

The demon turns around, and the bathroom door closes. Fade to black.

Fade in. BILL, SAMMY and FINGER are rolling away from BANJO GYRO on rollerskates. They stop.

FINGER:
I have lost a finger, and jobs, but I have gained a friend!

SAMMY:
Those demons were in the restaurant!

BILL:
Yes, yes, Sammy, and now I know our first album! The TEAMMATES present: "101 Percent"!

BILL, SAMMY and FINGER look to their right. Various people are loitering. BILL, SAMMY and FINGER look at them, and make horn signs with their hands. Fade to black.