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OFSTED

by Fascinating Aida

on Charm Offensive (2014)

b>Liza
I'm a teacher by profession, it was always my ambition
To encourage lots of little minds to shine.
I don't aim for great advancement, for I'm
Not a politician
And if I'm not rich, that's absolutely fine.

My school is what you might call "archetypal
inner city"
Only ten per cent speak English at the start.
But after OFSTED's visit
And it's said, without self-pity
The Common Room collectively lost heart.

Is it really so misguided to think learning should be fun?
Oh, a teacher's lot is not a happy.

Adèle
Happy one.

Liza
Thank you.
Now the minister makes changes every week
And each suggestion's either lunatic, insane or barking mad.
But what is crystal clear is that he asks
Himself no questions, and gives rein to every
Bright idea and fad.

We must read the King James Bible while the
Children chomp on lettuce.
And if Primark found a school it's not a stunt.
He has never been receptive to our feedback
When he's met us.
In my opinion...he's an utter Jeremy Hunt.

Oh, believe me it's an argument that's
Bound to run and run
Oh, a teacher's lot is not a happy one.

Adèle
Happy one.

Liza
It's my noble aim to din some English into
All my pupils. 18 languages are spoken in my class.
But when OFSTED says they're coming then
Our workload just quadruples
'Cause we're in the donkey doo if we don't pass.

The Inspector sits and watches which just makes you feel defenseless.
Twenty minutes of his time is all you've got.
Has he any bloody notion that it's absolutely
Senseless teaching Usbek kids "The Lady of Shallot"?
No! He never sees the tiny little battles that
Are won.
No! A teacher's lot is not a happy one!

Adèle
Happy one.

Liza
The Inspector gives his verdict, says we cannot
Teach for toffee, and our classes simply do not make the grade.
What's so utterly enraging is we gave him
Cake and coffee and what's more
Both were organic and Fair Trade.
Yet in twenty sodding minutes, he's convinced
The little treasures you're incompetent to help them
Read and write.
And to top it all the school is designated
"Special Measures" which in English means they think
The place is shite.

Next year I'll pull a sickie
And then jet off to the sun...
Oh, a teacher's lot is not a happy one.

Adèle
Happy one.

Liza
Ladies and Gentlemen, there is one final
Question that I would quite like to ask you and
it is possibly the most important question of all.
I wonder if anybody here can tell me what the
Word OFSTED actually stands for?
Anyone? No? Perhaps I can help.
It stands for: Overpaid, Fuckers, Shafting, Teachers, Every, Day.

And finally the minister has plans that set us weeping.
Longer hours and shorter holidays as well.
Are we meant to prep our classes and do marking while we're sleeping?
If that's so, then the response is "Go to Hell!"
He's disapplied P.E plus art and music in the shakedown.
This obsession with core subjects is a farce.
It's no wonder so many of us have a nervous breakdown.
Take you syllabus and shove it up your arse!

I would shoot you but the nurses at the Priory took my gun!
Oh, a teacher's lot is not a happy one!

Adèle
Happy one.