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A More Humane Mikado

by Christopher Lee

on Sings Devils, Rogues & Other Villains: From Broadway to Bayreuth and Beyond (1996)

A more humane Mikado never did in Japan exist
To nobody second I'm certainly reckoned a true philanthropist
It is my very humane endeavour to make to some extent
Each evil liver a running river of harmless merriment

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment

All prosy dull society sinners who chatter and bleat and bore
Are sent to hear sermons from mystical Germans who preach from ten till four
The amateur tenor whose vocal villainies all desire to shirk
Shall, during off-hours exhibit his powers to Madame Tussaud's waxwork

The lady who dyes a chemical yellow or stains her grey hair puce
Or pinches her figure is painted with vigour and permanent walnut juice
The idiot who in railway carriages scribbles on window-panes
We only suffer to ride on a buffer in Parliamentary trains

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment

His object all sublime he will achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment

The advertising quack who wearies with tales of countless cures
His teeth, I've enacted shall all be extracted by terrified amateurs
The music-hall singer attends a series of masses and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven with Spohr and Beethoven at classical Monday Pops

The billiard sharp who any one catches, his doom's extremely hard
He's made to dwell in a dungeon cell on a spot that's always barred
And there he plays extravagant matches in fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue with a twisted cue and elliptical billiard balls

My object all sublime I shall achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment

His object all sublime he will achieve in time
To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime
And make each prisoner pent, unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment, of innocent merriment