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As a Porcupine Pines for It Pork (Recorded July 1925)

by Billy Jones & Ernest Hare

on The Happiness Boys, Vol.1 (Comic Jazz Duets) [Recorded 1925-1926] (2014)

i>Say, Bill, shall we sing that crazy porcupine song?
Yes, Ernest. I just feel crazy enough to sing it
Then we'll both be crazy. All right, Dave

Porcupines are all full of quills
Kiss them and you're sure to get thrills
Weeping willows like to weep
Just like I weep for you
As a porcupine pines for its pork
That's how I pine for you
As a grasshopper hops on the grass
I'll hop right after you
As an eggplant plants its egg
I'll plant myself near you
Not a woodchuck would chuck wood
As I would chuck my love at you

Say, Bill, what's the difference between a rich man and a dog's tail?
A dog's tail keeps a-waggin', and a rich man keeps an automobile!

Alligators come through the gate
But goodbye, leg, if you get away late
Lollies always like to pop
I'll pop the question too
As a porcupine pines for its pork
That's how I pine for you
As a woodpecker pecks at the wood
I'll always peck at you
As a Pekinese peeks at the knees
I'll always peek at you
All the oilcans can their oil
But I can tie the can to you

Say, Bill, we've got a new dog down at my house
What's his name, Ernie?
Why, Ginger
Does Ginger bite?
No, Ginger snaps!

As a butterfly flies at the butter
I'll fly right after you
As a mousetrap traps the mouse
That's just how I'll trap you
As the lipstick sticks to the lip
I'll always stick to you
As the earring rings the ear
I'm going to put a ring on you

Tell me, Ernest, how do you produce sawdust?
Produce sawdust? Why, uh, let me see, uh
Come, come! Use your head!
Oh, Will!

If they find the guys who wrote this song
They'll not be here for long
As the sharpshooter likes to shoot
We'll shoot those crazy goofs
Every nutcracker has its nuts
And nuts from trees do fall
But of all the nuts and crazy mutts
They are the worst of all!

Bill, what do cannibals do with the heads of their victims?
I guess they make noodle soup out of them, Ernie!

If we don't sing another chorus
We hope you'll still be for us
We bought dictionaries by the score
But we can't find no more
Just buy yourself a ukulele
And while you're strumming gaily
Sing your own words to this crazy song
They're all right if they're wrong

As the penholder holds the pen
That's just how I'll hold you
As the soupspoon spoons with the soup
That's how I'll spoon with you
As the Sunkist kisses the sun
I'll keep on kissing you
As the lemon squeezer squeezes lemons
That's just how I'll squeeze you

Every old rubber tire tires
But I'll not tire of you
As the fruit punch punches the fruit
That's just how I'll punch you
As the fishhook hooks the fish
Believe me, I'll hook you
As Mary Pickford picks a Ford
That's just how I picked you

As the coal heaver heaves his coal
I'll heave my love at you
As the earache aches for the ear
My poor heart aches for you
As the broomstick sticks to the broom
I'll always stick to you
As the bull's-eye eyes the bull
I'm going to keep an eye on you.