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Dear Journal/ Dear God

by Matt Swagnew

on The Odyssey (2017)

I don't got a reason to stay here
I'm feeling like I'm wasting away here
Don't think I'll last a whole nother day here

I just dropped outta school
And so my mom think Ima fool
N plus I can barely walk and my bae there

And I don't wanna look like a lie to these that I already told Ima play there

So now I'm like fuck it
Ima take it idc what the drug is
This .38 still got a bullet
That's gotta be a sign I should pull it

Put it to head way more than should not a lot inside me saying a shouldn't

N it's twisted cuz I'm feeling like a bitch
Just for the reason that I couldn't

Now I'm screaming out fuck that bitch
N fuck tht nigga I can't believe I even tried to trust that bitch
Why'd it have to be me that had to love this bitch
I knew that shit would cut deep n hard
But I ain't know that it would cut that quick
Talking bout who is Nicole
I just might go orenthal n cut that bitch

N now I'm fucked up cuz the meds gone
I'm drinking four horseman got my head gone
Skipped rehab that woulda made leg strong
Instead I'm Poppin pain pills like my whole leg gone
Hopped out the bed cut my wrist saw the red saw my feelings n fled yes you heard what I said

Hobbled right up to that ledge with this gun to my head like I'm better off dead


Dear God
I pray I haven't strayed too far
But lately I been feeling like I'm stuck in a museum like I'm wax and I'm not moving at all
I'm feelin all alone. Like I ain't even got a phone that's my soul is asking who should I call. I know that I ain't been to sleep in a week. Off the E but they said come as you are. Right
N I'm just tryna be who I am
But yo I'm feeling like a shell of a man
N I just needa sign or intervention that's Devine cuz I think you forgot me outta your plans

Like yo that was my girl and my fam
Been some months n I can hardly stand
I been on the field my whole damn life n overnight I'm supposed to live like a fan

It's a war zone goin on in my head rn
Cuz My whole story could end rn
All my old glory has been died down
On the real so I could die rn

All my plans n goals have been wiped out
I can't trust these hoes to be wife's now
Thought I was on my way to my lifestyle
I need answers now I mean right now

I used to dream of degrees and TDs
I'm talkin leading the league
Owning not leasing a thing
My name on the back of the jersey n the screen
They'd see the boy they scream
I'm feeling like George in a scene
That's when God went Diego on me
Told me that I just had the wrong dream